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Critical friend

Nosaby
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Jul 21, 2012, 6:54 AM
Post #1 of 10 (7735 views)
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Critical friend	Can't Post - Sign Up!

I've recently transitioned from vegetarian to vegan and the first thing my best friend says to me is, "You'll go broke trying to be vegan." And it talking about organic food said, 'Nothing is 100% organic unless you grow it yourself."

It has surprised me how much this hurt my feelings. I expect that kind of thing from acquaintances but not friends! Part of me says let it go and the other part says speak up.

Why is it such big deal to people if vegans have different opinions about food? I never try to "convert" people..

zephyr
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Jul 21, 2012, 9:00 AM
Post #2 of 10 (7724 views)
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Re: [Nosaby] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Your friend may be concerned for you. We know it's possible to eat well as a vegan without spending tons of money, but many people think it's necessary for vegans to eat tons of fake meats, veggie cheeses, weird health foods, etc. Those foods can indeed become expensive. You might try to explain to your friend what you'll be eating and why it won't leave you totally destitute. If it's true concern rather than snippy-ness, that could put the friend at ease.

About organics, or anything beginning with "nothing is 100%..." my philosophy is best summed up by the quote in my signature: Just because I can't change everything, doesn't mean I shouldn't try to change anything at all." I would say that and drop it.

You're doing something good for yourself and the earth. It takes some people a while to adjust. I really hope it works out with your friend.

Nosaby
New User

Jul 21, 2012, 1:50 PM
Post #3 of 10 (7710 views)
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Re: [zephyr] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Thank you so much for your reply. In thinking more about it, I believe you are spot on. This friend has known me since I was 8 and is like a sister. I'm sure it was out of concern.

tempest
Cat Dancer

Jul 22, 2012, 12:47 PM
Post #4 of 10 (7632 views)
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Re: [Nosaby] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Sometimes it is defensiveness too - even though we might not *say* anything, actions can speak louder than words, and this might be true in this case. So she might be feeling defensive because if you were moved to go vegan she might feel deep down that she "should" also, and if you *succeed* at it, it will quite possibly invalidate something (excuses, etc) that she has thought/assumed (even if she never said) and so her response to hearing that you are trying is to voice why she thinks (hopes) you could fail.

I have people do this regarding my bike commuting too. People find out I bike commute, and will comment "oh, you're so lucky that you live so close to work! I live 10 miles away, I could never bike commute." And then they get angry with me when I explain that I live 14 miles from work.

It just says more about them and their thought processes and the excuses they have already decided on for not doing something that they must, deep down, feel would be a good thing when they react that way.

Still is annoying when it is a stranger, and hurtful when it is a friend.

If she doesn't let up, just tell her something along the lines of how you appreciate her concern, but that her approach is hurtful.

leahdawn
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Aug 6, 2012, 2:36 PM
Post #5 of 10 (7151 views)
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Re: [tempest] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Well put, Tempest.

I'm also having a problem with my supposed "best friend" right now. She is expecting her first child and apparently this has caused her manners to completely shut down. Example: a few of us wanted to get together for dinner. One of my friends suggested one of my favorite vegan restaurants. We were all good to go there, but she pitched a snark over it so we changed venues. And then she cancelled on us and didn't show up at all. Blah.

tempest
Cat Dancer

Aug 6, 2012, 3:57 PM
Post #6 of 10 (7148 views)
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Re: [leahdawn] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Oh, that sucks to have a friend (especially a "best friend") start playing those games! Though pregnancy can certainly do a job on the hormones. Is this dinner something you can talk to her about to see what's up, or will that lead down an uncomfortable path?

Hope she was just having an off day!

leahdawn
Member

Aug 17, 2012, 11:11 AM
Post #7 of 10 (6577 views)
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Re: [tempest] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Thanks Tempest. I'm finding it hard to talk to her at all because she doesn't seem to have time for me at all anymore. We're both laid off work during the summer (she's a teacher, I'm a university librarian) so I thought we would spend a good chunk of time together, but she just doesn't seem interested.
I've started cultivating other friendships as a result. It makes me sad that we were really good friends and we are growing apart, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for her phone call either.

tempest
Cat Dancer

Aug 17, 2012, 1:50 PM
Post #8 of 10 (6574 views)
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Re: [leahdawn] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

That is sad. It is hard when close friendships fade away like that, but sometimes there's just nothing you can do, and there isn't even necessarily a rhyme or reason to it.

Someday you might reconnect, you never know, but in the meantime you're doing the right thing by cultivating other friendships. Hope you are meeting some great people!

I recently was traveling in colorado - meeting up with my parents who had rented a time share in the mountains - and as I was on my way to meet up with them, I detoured to the great sand dune national park. On my way down from climbing to the top of the largest dune (a process that took an hour!) I happened to overhear a couple telling someone that they were from a city not far from where I live. I started a conversation with them and it turned out that the woman knows the sanctuary I volunteer at because a restaurant she used to work at is a big supporter. I knew the restaurant without her even saying the name, because it's my favorite vegan restaurant in the area! It was pretty funny - small world, you know? But also, I guess the point here is that you never know when or where you'll meet people who you just click with.

leahdawn
Member

Aug 21, 2012, 3:46 PM
Post #9 of 10 (6350 views)
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Re: [tempest] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

So true! I'm leaving myself open to new friendships, I was happy to recently be invited to join a book club by one of my farmer's market (that's my summer job!) co-workers. Only downside of that one is that I have to hurry up and get through my book in 10 days to make the next meeting!

tempest
Cat Dancer

Aug 21, 2012, 6:22 PM
Post #10 of 10 (6343 views)
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Re: [leahdawn] Critical friend [In reply to]	Can't Post - Sign Up!

Sounds fun! Hope you like the book too! :D

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